Suicide.

*drawer opening sound*

*sigh....*

*metal racketing*

*drawer closing*

*opening sound*

*ting*

*click, click*

*snap*

*wimper*

*click*

*latch*

I......I can't do this anymore.

*BANG*



Remember.... bllb... bllahhh......... *THUD*

One Day Until 4/20

So here it is again, a holiday far more important then anything else that happens this month. A day celebrated by many, and hated by many others. Originating due to Hitler's birthday, people decided to make this "pot smoking day." How will you and many of our peers celebrate this year? I've narrowed it down to the following situations:

Some of our classmates will actually come to school high (1% of our school)
Some of our classmates will smoke after school (5-9% of our school)
Some of our classmates will act like they are going to get high or will talk about how they are against it (80% of our school)

To sum up, whether you are for or against weed, our school is fucking gay.

Remember in loo of of the upcoming holiday, people do not actually celebrate 4/20 because Hitler was born that day. If you didn't catch that, then you fail.

Epic Conversation II

This was a conversation between Phil, Ethan, and I on Skype.

[10:23:19 PM] Phil (Seekreet Snook): u can kick him u know
[10:23:19 PM] Ethan B Lego: No :(
[10:23:21 PM] Ethan B Lego: No :(
[10:23:25 PM] Dan Passio: i wont
[10:23:31 PM] Dan Passio: unless i see more spam
[10:23:36 PM] Ethan B Lego: spamspamspamspamspamspamspamspam
spamspamspamspamspamspamspamspam
spamspamspamspamspamspamspamspam
spamspamspamspamspamspamspamspam
spamspamspamspamspamspamspamspam
spamspamspamspamspamspamspamspam
spamspamspamspamspamspamspamspam (much spamming was deleted for obvious reasons)
[10:23:38 PM] Ethan B Lego: oops
[10:23:38 PM] Phil (Seekreet Snook): lulz
[10:23:40 PM] Phil (Seekreet Snook): pwned
[10:23:41 PM] Ethan B Lego: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO
[10:23:45 PM] Ethan B Lego: :(
[10:23:52 PM] *** Dan Passio ejected Ethan B Lego from this conversation. ***

Remember spamming is not funny, unless Ethan gets kicked for it afterwords.

Run Can!!!

Finishing Up.

Well, I didn't exactly finish my last post. So, yeah. I'm still feelin' kinda down from yesterday night, so I'll end this with a few more words.

Yeah, I was going to say something about thinking about something to write on Sphinx and Fish, but then forgetting it and thinking about something else, and then not remembering it, but only remembering the fact that I thought of something to write on Sphinx and Fish, but I can't remember what it was. It's so frustrating.

Yeah, I was going to put a few jokes in there. But, obviously I forgot about them, so if I tried now, they wouldn't be as funny....yeah.

Woah, look up at the second paragraph. There's a phrase there that says "something about thinking about something" that's lulz.



Remember, rappers can't sing. You might as well use microsoft sam to sing for them.

Forgetting What To Write About

Recently, I've been running into situations where I think; "Hey! I should write about this incredibly interesting experience in Sphinx and Fish!" A few moments later, I'm thinking, "What the fuck are you doing to my couch?" or something absurd. (Fuck, I didn't know how to spell absurd, so I googled "obsurd" 'cause that's how I thought it's spelled. The first website said this:

1.	obsurd
	The way stupid people spell absurd. AIM- "Hey Derek my grade on that spelling test was obsurd! i totally studied that shit." "Wow Bryson, Its spelled absurd. maybe theres a reason you failed the spelling test.."

I'm a fucking idiot....

I'm so upset by this, I don't want to finish my post.




Remember, nothing is ever available to you if you ask for it. There's nothing funny that I can get out of this....Fuck. I'm having a horrible day.

Ethan B. Lego

Ok guys I need this answered asap, its pretty important and I really want to contribute since Ethan doesn't do anything. what in the world does the "B" mean? You know what "B" I'm talking about... Ethan B. Lego.
Please help!

Remember don't leave your children alone in rooms. Sam Stoley will be there.

Epic Conversation

Kyle: PWNED
Phil: ?
Kyle: ?
Kyle: Moose farmer?
Phil: I'm not
Kyle: You might be
Phil: I can prove that i'm not
Kyle: Fine then

Phil's Remember quote...
Remember, it's a trap! Consult Ackbar with any confusion.

Not Funny.

This post is not funny. Nothing in this post should ever make you laugh, smile, or even respectfully shrug: "Yeah, that's respectfully humorous". If you do, however, chuckle or smile at this post, consult a doctor immediately, for laughing at this word sequence makes no sense whatsoever. This should not be taken as a joke, a gag, or even an attempt to be funny by saying that it isn't funny. Because this post is not funny. Comedy has been raised to a full potential. Comedians are being paid millions of dollars for making people laugh. Movies are making record profit for being hilarious. Blogs are getting charitable donations for being random, and having awesome names such as "Sphinx and Fish". However, this post is none of those things. This post has nothing to do with comedy. It has not sold millions of copies. It has not made millions of dollars. It is not popular, funny, or entertaining in anyway. Anyone who thinks this post is funny will be put down for not having a decent sense of humor, because this post is not funny.





...Teehee.




Remember, do not drink Caprisun. Unless you want to be a T-1000.

Random Post #1

Today I will create a story using the first thing I think of for each sentence. Enjoy.

Holy crap!!! The goat is on fire!! The pirates laugh at him because goats don't have feelings!!! Was that to mean? Of course not. Jiminy Cricket doesn't know how to dance. Only the person who made him can't. Why am I doing this? I have no fucking idea. I'm mentally insane...

The End

Remember, cliffs are dangerous. Only jump off if you have nothing to live for.

EASTER!!!

This wasn't as exciting as I though it would be.

Remember, disappointments are another form of appointments. You don't need to see a doctor.

1 Day from Easter

Tomorrow is Easter!!! I'm excited. Chocolate bunny's, Reese's, eggs, and much more!! I love to eat candy. Know who else does? Little kids, Jesus, and Pedophiles. That's right Jesus likes candy too. Celebrate you lords revival by eating a piece of chocolate made to look like an innocent creature!! have fun tomorrow, you'll need it!!

Remember, if people laugh at you, you are a good comedian. If they don't laugh, give up.

2 Days from Easter

Good Friday. The day Christians celebrate the death of Jesus. Who came up with Good Friday? Is it good Jesus died or what. It's not like he died for a purpose like to forgive peoples sins or something like that. Jesus, Good Friday is a terrible name. I know, Jesus died today lets go hide some eggs. We can't get them though until Jesus comes back to look for them with us. What the fuck!? God damn traditions.

Remember, if you sing in the shower you're a loser. Stop it.

3 Days from Easter

It is now three days from Easter. I am excited, but not as excited as you'll be when you find out I'm excited. Seriously, It's almost fucking Easter! If I don't get a chocolate bunny soon, I will eat a real bunny. How would you like that you big fucking rabbit!! Just give me a goddamn chocolate bunny!!




Remember, if it isn't scared of you hit it. Abuse is terrifying.

4 Days from Easter

To celebrate Easter here at Sphinx and Fish I will be counting the days to one of the trippiest holidays in the christian world. Why is this a trippy holiday? Think about it, children are forced to look for eggs, not normal eggs but eggs brightly colored as if they were using LSD. But why are the kids looking for these eggs? They are somehow full of candy. Not only this but aparently a giant bunny laid the eggs. Bunnys can't lay eggs, but giant bunnys can. This brings me to the question, who the fuck is the father? Perhaps it was a giant chocolate chicken, or maybe the bunny was raped by a group of hippies. Whatever it is be safe this easter, or you to will be raped by hippies.

Remeber, it's only funny until people stop laughing. Seriously, if they stop laughing then shut the fuck up.

Redneck Encounter

Official Sphinx and Fish T-Shirts

Hey you!

The Official Sphinx and Fish T-Shirts have been designed! Thanks to our advertising staff, we have developed a t-shirt for you, your wife/husband/partner/girlfriend/boyfriend, your kids, your grandparents, your pets, and your neighbors can all enjoy!




Talk to Phil about purchasing this t-shirt. This is for a limited time only!
Orders are only good on Mondays, you will receive your shirt Friday, and at the latest, the following Monday. Buy one for only $20. Everyone's doing it, especially this cool counterculture figure above. Look at his hat, and his beard. Don't you want to be as cool as him? You can even wear one if you are black! (Example to the right) Buy an Official Sphinx and Fish T-shirt at the grand release sale sometime later. Because I'm not sure when I'll get them in the mail. Hopefully next Monday, April 5th 2009. I will have ordered three shirts already for the writers of this blog. Also, for 5$ more, we will customize your shirt with a remember quote. You may choose any of the Sphinx and Fish remember quotes from the blog, or you can create your own. (Must be approved by staff) The quote will be located on the back of the shirt. If you want to pre-order yours, comment on this post with your full name, e-mail, address, phone number, t-shirt size, and a remember quote (optional); or come talk to me at school! Also visit our online store at http://www.zazzle.com/sphinx_and_fish ... After they are released you may still purchase them here, just put down all of that information in a comment.
These shirts are $20 plus the optional remember quote, ($25) Cash only for the time being.

Remember, McDonalds can deny you your chicken nuggets. If so, contact your local police.

L.A.B. Makes the Paper!

L.A.B. (Laugh At Bingo) has conducted its all time destructive behavior crime. Last night on March 24th, L.A.B. intruded into Big Steve's Bingo Hall, and proceeded to draw penises, and write vulgar, insulting things on the walls of the Hall. Bingo residents were extremely appalled by this event. No-one seemed to clean it up before a bingo even happened two days after. (Which is in the future right now.) No-one seemed to care about the old people's feelings, so the horrific graffiti was not cleaned. The vandalists have not been caught, but L.A.B. will do it again, I promise you.

Here is a picture of the vandalism while the bingoists are playing tomorrow. It's quite hilarious.


Remember, bring napkins. It's murder.

Legoman: The Beginning

Legoman, a superhero to the city of Glentropolis Rock whos secret identity has not yet been reveled *cough* Ethan *cough*, has sadly been defeated today. His one weakness, tomato soup, has fallen in to his lap. He is going to recover fully, but his humiliating defeat will cost him fans. Soon his comics sales will drop, and with the economy the way it is he could be forced to retire early or except whatever job he can. Legoman, stay strong, I heard Dr. Megablock has an opening in some henchman positions

.
Legoman checking job listings.

Remember, um....what the fuck was I gonna say....um....Oh yeah shut the fuck up. I can't think of funny shit to go here all the time.

Awesome in Liquid Form

Yeah!
Strawberry Milk!
Strawberry Milk is the best beverage containing only milk and one other flavor. So DRINK IT!! It is teh best.

Remember, you can't breathe underwater. Fish, get the fuck out of the water or you'll drown!

SAG is at war!

ATTENTION! -- ¡ATENCIÓN!

Students Against Goofy's (SAG) has been under attack.


On Friday, March 20th 2009, A long member of SAG, was deliberately attacked by a Goofy. Luckily he survived with minor injuries, but we have no idea if the next attack will be so lucky. Only time can tell when the Goofys will attack next. We have no idea how many will die, but we know we will defend ourselves. We will fight, to the death against this terrory.

This has gone on long enough! We will not have our own people killed because of these monsters! That is why we are recruiting members for SAG to fight alongside those who believe that this country should be free! Join the resistance! Join the cause! There will be no more Goofys! DEATH TO ALL GOOFYS!




Remember, nobody likes nothing. So go get something!

How To Be Funny Lesson #1

I am hilarious, so I will share what I know on the art of humor with you.

Funny #1 Random Stuff
Random things are funny. Like the bunny without his hat! Aw.....
Step 1:
Think of something that has nothing to do with what you are talking about.
Example: We are talking about humor so, An eraser. Yeah that will work fine.
Step 2:
Think of something that would be awkward if object/creature from step 1 would do or be ridiculous.
Example: An eraser can't pretend to be a goat, that would just be ridiculous.
Step 3:
All you have to do is but 1 and 2 together with some other common words.
Example: Have you ever seen an eraser act like a goat?

Congratulations you know how to make someone stop what they were talking about and think "What the fuck."
Disclaimer: I would not use random jokes more then two times in a long conversation. They can get annoying.

Remember, they are out to get you. Hide!

Holy Crap!

Where am I?

Remember, if you place your hand on your face you can see the moon. The moon is shiney, LOOK!

The Fork

The Fork is THE most important utensil anyone could have with them at any given moment. It is important for many reasons.

Reason 1:
Read This

Reason 2:
It's a fucking Fork!!

"Examples of forks"

Remember, just because it looks safe doesn't mean it doesn't exist. Go for it, it could be fun.

Sharpie: The Gateway Drug

There is not one thing in this world that a teenager won't stick up their nose to get high. Sharpies are no exception. Sharpie sales are not skyrocketing because teens want to make a project look nice. Teens buy sharpies to GET HIGH! But that is a dangerous path they are on. One day they sniff sharpie, then they're huffin' paint, and before you know it they'll be booten' black tar heroin. Sharpies are the first step in a long hard life of drug abuse. Wow fish duck pig star snake! That's a phrase you can trust in!

Remember, avoid rabid elephants. They are dangerous.

No.

This is not a post.



Remember, 3D glasses do not make things 3D. Everything is already 3D, unless your high. Then its all in 5D, plus the glasses, it must be at least 6 or 7D.

What is happening?

My face has disappeared, I lost it or something. Have you seen my face? Tell me if you see it!
Remember, if you fall down the stairs you will get hurt. Keep lots of pillows at the bottom of your stairs.

Photoshop vs MS Paint

Fuck Photoshop, I'm using MS Paint!

Phil Approves!

Remember to always eat your school, brush your veggies, never do teeth, and always go to drugs!

Platinum Benefits

So, I just got an invite from Nintendo because I have Platinum status in Club Nintendo. They want me to come out and see the new DSi, before the rest of the public gets to. You would think that'd be great news, but it's not - there are a number of problems with this. For starters, I don't really give a fuck about the DSi. Secondly, I live too far away from New Jersey. Lastly, I don't think Nintendo would appreciate it if I showed up bringing my DS Lite and a CycloDS Evolution.

Anyone want the invite :p?

Fail Desk

In what circumstance doesn't this fail?

You fail, Mr. Jane's Desk!









Remember to forget.

What is this post even about?



Remember, being redundant is full of fail.

An Epic Battle

A Snake Vs. A Glass of Water
Lets say that for some reason a glass of water angered a snake and they got into a fight. Now who would win? I am going to assume the glass of water would win, and here is why. The snake would try to eat the glass of water and then it would break inside of the snake, ripping apart its insides. The glass of water would not lose when it is broken because it doesn't have a soul or feelings. So I guess what you should take from this story is don't fight inanimate objects because you will not win.

Remember, Ethan is not funny. He thinks like a noob.

Questions

There are many questions people ask me on a daily basis. Sometimes the questions are understandable and reasonable. Most of them are shit. So these are some of the questions I hear and how they should be answered.

Q: Are we there yet?
A: No, shut the fuck up!

Q: Would you like to make that a combo meal for an extra dollar?
A: No, just give me my fucking food!

Q: Will that be everything?
A: If I wanted more, I would have asked for more.

Q: Are you high?
A: Probably.

Q: Can I come over?
A: I have family over. (See, here I don't want to hang out with the person at the time so I lie.)

Q: Why do you keep a fork in your pocket?
A: Why don't you?

Q: Are you ever going to pay me back?
A: Yeah. (I won't, eventually they'll forget.)

Well that's it for this post.
Remember, If you have to use drugs stick with Tums. They're delicious.

Winning An Argument

Ok, I made up this little trick for winning an argument, I have never lost an argument with it, but it could still be possible.

Step 1
Find a plastic fork or spork.
Note: Spoons and knives won't work.

Step 2
Place the plastic fork or spork in your right pocket.

Step 3
Get into an argument about something that you at least know a little about.

Step 4
If about to lose, pull out said utensil, and say "I have a (fork/spork), your argument is invalid!"

And that's it! When doing this you opponent will be so distraught by the fact you carry a fork/spork with you, that you can then finish them off with a few quick points for your side of the argument. They would not be able to think of anything else to say because you have an eating utensil with you!

Disclaimer:
I am not responsible for you losing an argument with my method. This method will not work if at a table, where there is food present. Do not use the utensil to try and stab your opponent.

Remember, if you dream about sleep then you are confusing yourself. Avoid unnecessary confusion by dreaming about me.